A Hill I Am No Longer Willing to Die On

For the last three years I have fought a bitter battle against my life, or at least against the geographic setting of my life. It was a painful attempt to define myself outside of my life as it is now. I clung to the desire that I would get a(ny) job somewhere, anywhere other than here. And once no longer here I could finally be me, who I really am. As though “where” defined “who”.

It has taken a long time for me to remember that place does not equate to being. I must be where I am. Sure, there are geographic places where I feel more comfortable, places where how I live and desire to live my life is normal. Places where: “compost” and “worm bin” are not followed by a question mark and confused looks; CSAs and buying local are a way of life; track homes are not the norm; and driving and traffic do not define one’s life choices. In fighting and cursing here I sowed disdain and resentfulness, and reaped frustration, bitterness, and isolation.

Over the last several months, slowly, almost imperceptibly, I began relinquishing bits and pieces of my life that I had protected from here. I began giving myself to here; allowing myself to be here. In doing so I realized that where I am, here, is more than just something to endure until I can move away; here is good. While I cannot say I love here, I know that good people, beauty, joy, and hope reside here. And that is a here I can be.

I fought this place. I was bruised, scratched, cut, and broken. My blood dripped onto the ground, mixing with the earth.
I am a part of this. I am a part of here.
I am here.
I am.

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Fits and Spurts

To make up for several months of silence on the music front, I recently posted two mixes on 8tracks, Apéritif and The Sounds of Summer, for your enjoyment.

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As for my grand declaration of my intention to write, fits and spurts best describes my willingness to actually do so. I have the best intentions to write but find myself far too easily distracted and with little (to no) discipline to stop, sit down, be quiet, think, and write. The result has been the incessant rolling around of  words and ideas in my head. May I diligently write until the act of writing becomes a natural part of my expression and experience, something I can no longer ignore or do without.

Embracing the Silence

Life keeps me busy and my thoughts keep me busier. In this silence I am discovering some beautiful and live-giving things. Someday I hope to put words and flesh to these discoveries.

In the meantime I put together a little musical mix, “Feel Good Lost,” which is available HERE. The mix’s title comes from the following photo-graphic by Julian Bialowas:

“Feel Good Lost” includes:
– Lord Huron, “The Stranger”
– Generationals, “Greenleaf”
– Princeton, “To the Alps”
– Benoît Pioulard, “Tack & Tower”
– Agnes Obel, “Brother Sparrow”
– The Head and the Heart, “Lost in My Mind”
– NewVillager, “Lighthouse”
– Love Inks, “Skeleton Key”
– Young Galaxy, “Cover Your Tracks (Teen Daze remix)”
– Ivan & Alyosha, “Easy to Love”

Mellow Beats

A new 8tracks playlist is up for your listening pleasure. Please navigate your way HERE to enjoy.

More Music Please!

The amount of new music I had piling up in my “Potential Blogtracks” playlist was starting to get a wee bit out of control.  Instead of inundating you with “Download/Listen HERE” hyperlinks, I create you a delightful little mix entitled “Musical Candy”, which is available HERE for your listening pleasure.

“Musical Candy” track list:

• Charles Bradley, “The World (is Going Up in Flames)”
• Julia Stone, “This Love”
• As Tall As Lions, “Where Do I Stand”
• The Belle Brigade, “Sweet Louise”
• Memory Tapes, “Today is Our Life”
• BRAHMS, “Brought It Out”
• Cat’s Eyes, “Not a Friend”
• Meredith Adelaide & Josh Schroeder, “Where Are You”
• Nicole Atkins, “Heavy Boots” — currently, one of my favorite songs
• Secret Cities, “Love Crime”
• Sweet Lights, “One Day (Sharon Van Etten cover)”
• Papercuts, “Do What You Will”
• El Sportivo & The Blooz, “Clover”
• Fleet Foxes, “Helplessness Blues”
• CocoRosie, “Lemonade”
• WIN WIN, “Interleave (feat. Alexis Taylor)”
• The Radio Dept., “The New Improved Hypocrisy”
• Theophilus London, “Why Even Try (feat. Sara Quin)”
• Snowblink, “Ambergris”
• The Civil Wars, “Poison & Wine”

I’m off to Portland for a long weekend to see some dear friends.  Happy early weekend!

As of Late

I desire to write more often; but I do not.  As of late life has had a way of making the the simple act of putting pen to paper seem more laborious and futile than ever.

Every deed and every relationship is surrounded by an atmosphere of silence. Friendship needs no words–it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.
~D. Hammarskjöld, Markings

Feel free to escape the written silence by enjoying a little noise from my two new mixes: “As of Late, part 1 and part 2“. They are compilations of many recent blogtracks with a few new ones sprinkled in. Happy listening!

p.a.i.n.t.

There is nothing quite like unexpectedly spending lots of money (car problems) and redoing another person’s poor workmanship to keep my holiday spirit in the gutter.

Confession.  “Fuck” has punctuated more of my thoughts and sentences this week than “Christmas.”  Note to self, I might want to rectify that before celebrating the day of our Lord’s birth.

12.14.2010 – Taping*

12.15.2010 – Sanding Walls by Hand*

12.16.2010 – The Importance of Prep. Work*

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Blogtrack — my iPod died so the following 8track mixes have kept me company during many hours of sanding, taping, and priming (and likely into tomorrow’s adventures in painting):
– mikemelody, “2010”
– Moran, “2010 highlights”
– tiny_owl, “when.ten.ended.part one.”
– tiny_owl, “when.ten.ended.part two.”

sNOw

12.12.2010 – SoCal “Snow” Diptych* (Orange, CA)

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Blogtrack:
“our hearts are shining” a mix by the talented Brian Ferry.

Working Weekends

I have had the distinct “joy” of working through my weekend.  Nothing quite rings in the holiday cheer like 10-16 hours days filled with research and writing, and my back beginning to imitate the curvature of my 92-year-old grandma’s osteoporosis-ridden spine.  Ba humbug.

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12.3.2010 – Empty Bookshelves: Oh the Possibilities* (Orange, CA)

12.4.2010 –  Short and to the Point* (USN)

12.5.2010 – Cuppa*

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Blogtrack:
– Another beautiful mix courtesy of Michael A. Muller of Threading in the Choirs.

¡Felicidades!

I spent the weekend in la Valle de Guadalupe celebrating the union of lives and hearts of a dear friend (whom I have known since middle school) to a wonderful man.  The weekend was full of laughter, rich conversation, delicious artisan wine crafted by the father of bride, a handful of Patron shots, and the warmth of Mexican hospitality.  ¡Felicidades Ana y Nathan!

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11.19.2010 – Living with [Blurred] Hands Wide Open* (somewhere along México 1D)

11.20.2010 – Forget Me Knot* (La Hacienda Guadalupe, La Valle de Guadalupe)

11.21.2010 – Sunny Sunday* (somewhere along México 1D)

11.22.2010 – Blurry Eyed* (OC)

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Blogtrack:
– Starfucker, “Julius”
– Young Empires, “White Doves”
– Secret Cities, “Boyfriends”
– Atlas Sound, “” — download the entire album, Bedroom Databank Vol. 1, for free HERE.
– The Poison Tree, “My Only Friend”