Tag Archives: Loved Ones

Everything is Different, Nothing has Changed

There are those moments when you know your life is going to change in an irrevocable way. Life as it is now, in its quiet beauty and predictable uncertainty (the uncertainty you have come to rely on), will end. The end may be punctuated and decisive or it may slowly wax into being. And you have no idea when or how the change and ending will occur. Sometimes these moments of revelation are loud and crashing, other times they are quiet, silently quickening the recipient’s interior life.

Yesterday, while cleaning the kitchen floor, I was silently struck by a premonition that this season of life, in which I am at peace, is coming to an end, and the things that will be removed first are the very things that helped usher in this peace. This news is equal parts ache, fear, thankfulness, gratitude, and excitement. Ache and grief for the people and places I will have to let go of and leave, for the loss of dreams and hope unrealized. Fear of the residue of past harms, lies and anxieties latent in wounds not yet fully healed, all of which have a nasty of way of resurrecting themselves in times of uncertainty. Thankfulness for the current respite full of a peace that allowed me to taste the reality (not simply the possibility) of hope. Gratitude for the reminder of what it means to be fully present here, now, and to suck its very marrow and not to allow uncertainty of what is to come to detract from or overwhelm the now. Excited for the adventures that are to come on the path I am walking, the path that is shaping me and leading me closer to where I am going, to where I am needed. An ending is coming and I must be obedient to the call forward.

Keep your head up. Keep your heart strong.

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HERE is “Pre-Summer Tunes”, my musical ode to warmer and longer days, my most recent 8tracks mix, in addition to February and March’s mixes “California Skies” and “Just Say, ‘Yes’“.

Wedding Malaise and the Ballast of Faith

It is June, and for a woman in her late twenties this means wedding season has officially begun. Again. This June falls in the middle of a year brimming with pairing offs, weddings, and babies; to the extent that my facebook feed typically includes at least one engagement and one pregnancy announcement per week. But this is to be expected.

It is my experience that life does not necessarily stabilize with age. But one uses certain anchors to keep from losing the way. For me community, comprised of my dearest friends and family, is the anchor I have relied on most since my career’s weight (read, demands) threatened to sink my boat – thankfully, just as my ship was about to go under, I cut myself loose of that deadly weight and watched it sink into the darkness beneath threatening waves. Friends’ marriages and expanding families significantly alter my community anchor’s shape, weight and ability to perform its designated task.

I celebrate my dearest friends’ joy as they pursue their lives and loves. I must, however, admit that I am weary of losing friends. The loss is never intended, it is simply the bittersweet reality of changing lives and priorities. I am tired of my female friends’ post-nuptial one-year disappearing acts, and of the inevitable cessation of all meaningful connection with my male friends.

At least with my girl friends there is hope they will resurface at some point. But when it comes to guy friends and marriage everything changes. The intimacies (which were neither romantic nor sexual) that once girded the male-female friendship are sullied and deemed inappropriate for some reason, leaving an empty shell that once housed a robust friendship. A shell that sits like a dust-covered souvenir collected from a distant shore visited during, what feels like, another lifetime. With decreasing occurrence, the shell is dusted off by quick catch-ups at a mutual friend’s wedding or other social gathering, during which the shell appears to looks the same, but the function, which is everything, has changed. Only the calls of the distant shores remain in the calcified structure, accessible only to those willing to pick up the shell and listen.

It is as a dear friend (married and then in the finals days of her pregnancy) told me, “The only male-female friendships that do not change with marriage are those with your male family members.” Thank you, Lord, for my incredible brothers!

As I flip through my planner littered with “Save the Date” postcards, I look forward to celebrating the unions of hearts and lives. And as I make my travel plans I prepare for the loss of these friendships, or at least the loss of these relationships as I now know them.

I am beginning to realize this sense of loss, of drifting resulting from the morphing of my community neither dictates nor reflects the true state of my life and faith. I am finally at a point where I accept (without demands for change) the limitations and fallibility of this anchor, of community, and am trusting my ballast will not fail as I sail into unknown, open waters with little more than a compass and certainty that an unseen land, “home,” lies ahead.

Bon voyage!

Inspiration

I wish I wanted to apologize for my absence, but I am not sorry. The last several weeks brimmed with excursions to visit friends and siblings who bring joy to my heart, exploring new places and rediscovering old ones, thoughtful discussions with brilliant minds, as well as my first time driving in snow in three years.

 

For whatever it is worth, I am compiling current sources of inspiration (i.e., videos, photos, articles, whatever snags my attention and causes me to pause) on my recently established tumblr site, which you will find HERE.

 

You are . . .

I love small surprises! And nothing beats cards and packages in the mail from friends who live far away.

Karen, thank you for your consistency, laughter, thoughtfulness, and treasured friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blogtracks:
– TV Girl, “On Land”  (download it HERE)
– Rubik, “Laws of Gravity”  (download it HERE)
– Tapes ‘n Tapes, “Freak Out”  (download it HERE)

Lost & Found

Today while searching through the contents of the numerous banker boxes that contain my life, I found several things of interest: (1) a frame carefully packed in a box three years ago containing what then was deemed the sweetest of moments and “home”; (2) my grandpa’s Argus C-3(!!!), which I thought I had lost during one of several moves; and (3) poems written in the shade of a fragile time when I was working overseas after my first year of law school.

In regards to (1), it is strange to unpack something I once held so dear but which no longer has any emotional meaning.  An empty frame was repacked with hopes a snapshot of joy will soon fill it.

As for (3):
Love  Regardless of Circumstance No. 2
five thousand miles gone
Home
lost in unhappiness
tears shatter dead phone lines.

Everyone Loves a Hummingbird
these wings,
stolen
from the unsuspecting hummingbirds,
collapse under heavy hearts.
falling,
with
no
where
to
l    a    n    d

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12.17.2010 – Fresh Air*

12.18.2010 – The Brick*

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Blogtracks:
– Beach House, “I Do Not Care for the Winter Sun”
– Porcelain Raft, “Tip of Your Tongue”

[More] Blue Skies and Silhouettes

11.24.2010 – Some days I Unexpectedly and Inexplicably Think of You* (Orange, CA)

 

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Blogtrack — Today I listened to a lot of Band of Horses.  But so as not to depress you, here are some new tracks:
– Elephant Revival, “Go On”
– Salem, “Frost”
– Egyptrixx, “Chrysalis Records (feat. Trust)”

¡Felicidades!

I spent the weekend in la Valle de Guadalupe celebrating the union of lives and hearts of a dear friend (whom I have known since middle school) to a wonderful man.  The weekend was full of laughter, rich conversation, delicious artisan wine crafted by the father of bride, a handful of Patron shots, and the warmth of Mexican hospitality.  ¡Felicidades Ana y Nathan!

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11.19.2010 – Living with [Blurred] Hands Wide Open* (somewhere along México 1D)

11.20.2010 – Forget Me Knot* (La Hacienda Guadalupe, La Valle de Guadalupe)

11.21.2010 – Sunny Sunday* (somewhere along México 1D)

11.22.2010 – Blurry Eyed* (OC)

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Blogtrack:
– Starfucker, “Julius”
– Young Empires, “White Doves”
– Secret Cities, “Boyfriends”
– Atlas Sound, “” — download the entire album, Bedroom Databank Vol. 1, for free HERE.
– The Poison Tree, “My Only Friend”