Mellow Beats and Forgiveness

There is a substantial amount of work being to done around the house.  Which is to say it is a toss up between whether jackhammers or chainsaws will play the first notes of the day’s soundtrack.  The upside is that I have gotten some interesting photos of the demolition process.  The downside is that mishaps like accidentally cutting the phone line (–> no DSL) happen.  Generally waiting a few days until the phone company can come out to fix it would generally make me happy as my soul needs periodic breaks from the computer and information overload via the web.  But I am in job app mode and with a temperamental laptop (proven by Saturday’s hour-long attempt to sign on at a local coffee shop’s wifi).  Needless to say, more than a couple “what the what!?!” flew out my mouth.  Technology can be so great until it stops functioning.

What follows is a random collection of thoughts jotted down over the last several days when I was sans internet access:

Friday, April 16, 2010

Dear Snowden:

The more I listen to you, the more I like you.  Thank you.

I thought I’d found a cure for my problem where I bleed from my sleeve and it pours on everyone that I meet.  I made clear where I was coming from.  And you touched me again so I assumed that you could swim.  “You don’t you want to know me.  No you don’t want to know me, cuz you don’t really know me,” she said.

Here is to vulnerability and being known.

4.16.2010 – Some Days This is the Best View in the World (Orange, CA)*

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Blogtrack:

The Mary Onettes, “Pleasure Song”;
Snowden, Slow Soft Syrup EP

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

To the moments when all that needs to be said is, “‘Babe, I love you. And, “Babe, I love you too.’”  May they come again someday.

4.17.2010 – Unraveling*

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Blogtrack:

Headphones, “Slow Car Crash”;
M.Ward, “Eyes on the Prize”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sunday, April 18, 2010

This morning I read in-coming freshman scholarship essays for my undergraduate alma mater.  There is something so delightful in the escalating anticipation associated with that time of life; when life as one has always known it is on the edge of giving way to a mysterious newness.

On the way to and from the scholarship event I listened to a podcast that addressed a topic I have been ruminating on for a bit and randomly read about yesterday – I love it when life aligns like that!  I have been thinking about forgiveness and what it means to forgive well.  Forgiving well is not “moving on” – a phrase I have used with some frequency in this blog –, rather it is the learned and practiced act of relinquishing a sense of deserved justice by reaching beyond the “sorry” to place of asking for and extending release to others and oneself for damage(s) done.  In my life forgives done well tends to mean that I eventually reach a place where I desire reconciliation or where I can whole-heartedly wish the person well.

Humans have a deeply entrenched sense of justice – sadly, it too often extends only as far as one’s self and loved ones.  And it is easy to throw one’s fist at the sky and demand justice, or, at the very least, an explanation.  Note to readers, this does not mean that I do not believe in justice, it is just that there are some things that justice cannot heal.  An inability or unwillingness to forgive has the potential to do more damage than the initial perpetrated harm.  There can be no healing without forgiveness.

I am just beginning to chip away at this, aka these are initial thoughts.  This course of thought began when I asked myself if the reason I am unable to move on from the harm caused by certain events and people in my life is because I have not forgiven them.  How can I really move forward if I still hold (however loosely) a sense of rightness, of deservedness in feeling hurt?  How can I wish someone well with words when my heart still aches a little each time a name or situation is mentioned?  Simply answered,  I cannot.  And attempts to do so only perpetuate my posture of deservedness and unforgiveness.

Here is to acknowledging and voicing hurts, both received and doled out.  Here is to asking for and extending forgiveness.  Here is to relinquishing.  Here is to new life.

4.19.2010 – Shuttered Brick Reflections (Tustin, CA)

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Blogtrack:

Port O’Brien, “Is This Really What Its Come To?”;
Mars Hill Bible Church, “Troubling Love (3/20/2010)”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Monday, April 19, 2010

On my drive home from work a supped-up Ford F-150 bro truck flew past me going 70mph in a 50mph zone.   A mile or two later I stopped at a traffic signal and to my left was the bro truck, inside of which sat the driver, a coifed OC guy complete with aviators listening to Taylor Swift.  I started laughing, I could not help myself.  

4.19.10 – 185 Generator*

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Blogtrack:

Big Science, The Coast of Nowhere EP

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

4.20.2010 – Look in the Nooks (Peters Canyon, CA)*

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Blogtrack:

Bon Iver, “Come Talk to Me (Peter Gabriel cover)“;
Lovedrug, “Pink Champagne”;
The Envy Corps, “Wires & Wool”;
Local Natives, “World News”

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