Continuing yesterday’s sentiments and call to get up, to stand firm, and to move forward, I now inch toward the topic of what to do with the longings of one’s heart.
There are things we want: a new road bike or camera, longer vacations, a more fluid source of income, a new job, a new house, etc.. Then there are the things that we desire and long for with the deepest parts of who we are; where mind, soul, and heart ache for that which is missing.
What do you with these deep aches, which have an uncanny way of making themselves felt during the most joyous of occasions?
Last weekend I visited the San Francisco Bay Area, a place I considered home for fifteen years (ten of which I spent in SF during my early childhood, and the remaining five in Berkeley for university and work). Everywhere I turned I was surrounded by reminders of the things which I so deeply desire but which I do not, and may never, have.
My longings do not take away from the joy I experience for others who have the thing(s) I seek. Rather the absence and longing adds a hint of bitter-sweetness because I see and know the goodness those things bring into the lives of the people around me.
There are moments when the longing is so intense that only the silence of tears appropriately communicates the acuteness of the ache. There are moments when I am able to accept that I may never receive that which I desire; and that with or without “it” I am no less whole. I am no less.
In this fullness I continue to get up and to press on in hope. I will press on whether the longing remains, is replaced, or is stripped away. I will press on in hope that the reason I harbor this longing is that the pursuit itself gives life and draws out strengths previously unrealized.
At the end of the road, you’ll find what you’ve been longing for. I know ’cause my feet have the scars to show. I was lost with vague direction and with no place to call home. It’s time for you to press on.
(Underoath, “Casting Such a Thin Shadow”)
4.8.2010 – Morning Light*
Underoath, “Casting Such a Thin Shadow”;
Explosions in the Sky, “Our Last Days as Children”;
Slowdive, “Blue Skied an’ Clear”; and
The Go Find, “New Year”.